Fur Heart

Monday, May 24

There’s been a small but mighty battle between my head and my heart that took place in my belly. It started with a few conflicts, nothing more than slights and snubs that were easy to brush aside, but not to forget completely, they were just too small to dwell on.

My gut and all physical reactions are my true north; I can rely on the accuracy of their messages.

Especially now that my “last year” officially has ended, wrapped up and resolved, leaving me feeling very exposed and raw. The ordeal is finished. It gave me structure through the year, it’s how I lived. It required me to organize, work, heal, process and function in certain ways, outside the norm.

Now that structure has dropped and dissolved; I’m still here. That is a celebration. It’s also a little Rip Van Winkle when he woke, a little like being in a different but vaguely familiar foreign country, I can understand most of the language, but not all. I don’t really know anyone here. But I know myself. I feel a lot.

What’s awe inspiring is, it’s a whole new way. What’s frightening, is, it’s a whole new way.

The battle intensified last week. I chose not to fight although I was hurt.  In some ways I’m tough, in some I’m not. I want to connect, be truthful, joyful and kind. We sometimes don’t understand each other and have to fight to get there. When you’re with a friend there’s an implied safety. If you realize it’s not safe, you have to ask, what is the nature of our friendship? That’s what I asked.

I read a great quote the other day; if you can’t be kind, be vague.

After much thought and honest counsel, I made the decision to follow my heart. My bellyache disappeared instantly. I’m sad, but I did the honest thing.

Now, I’m on my way to Black Rock City, solo. That’s a little daunting for me. I’m not a camper, I have no stuff, I don’t know how to assemble a tent and now, no one to share the surrealness of getting there.

Now it’s even more of a journey for me, alone. Can I do this? Of course I can. Will I do this? I’m beginning my real research now.

I had dinner with friends of a friend the other night, and one of the new friends is a Burner, this will be his 7^th, I think. He has been very generous to me with information and insights. He’s gentle and sensitive and also quite pragmatic and hilarious.

After talking a lot about costumes and accessories and always returning to fur (fake), and how I was hunting for it, he surprised me with this gift:

Not only do I love it and him for being so thoughtful and kind, I see it also as a talisman, as a sign that I made the right decision. And I’ll get this trip figured out so I can safely be a freak, celebrate, share, grieve, laugh, give and dance on the playa.