Keep the lights on

Wednesday, August 4

Silence interrupted.

Although I didn’t put my ticket up for sale, I was forced to admit to myself that not having a real friend to plan, get excited, nervous and ultimately adventure with was eclipsing the unimaginable experience. I didn’t want to go to Burning Man alone. I didn’t want to have to figure everything out for myself.  My mind created a perfect neurotic trifecta of defeat, fatigue and cowardice. All that research for nothing? Where else could I strut that fur coat? Where could I experience the extremes, the desert, the art and people and occurrences that were waiting to happen? I felt like I was wrestling with myself.

On top of that, rational and practical obstacles reared up. Not working full-time for six months has taken its toll and every dollar counts. Honestly, I was kind of relieved, now I could say, “Oh, yes, I was planning on going, but now I can’t afford it.” No one could argue with that, including me.

And so I sadly and gently closed the door to Burning Man 2010, but left a tiny jagged crack between fear and spirit to let in a glimmering sliver of light that would allow a solution, if there was one, to be illuminated.

And now less than four weeks away, I’m standing in a dazzling dappled patch of light.

After everything I’ve been through in the last 18 months; accepting and learning that some things will stay with me to be managed, the renewal process of being on the playa; however it happens is very symbolic to me. The excitement is building again. I’ve pulled out my lists.

I’m meeting with my potential new playa mate on Friday to talk it out. Yay light.

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2 Responses to “Keep the lights on”

  1. Big Red Says:

    Still new to bloggin myself and talk about the prep!! Never REALLY understood what it took mentally, emotionally, AND finacially to just GET there! Just buzzing around the net looking for keywords on Burning Man 2010 & saw your blog. I liked what you had to say.

    My wife & I certainly symathize. I sold my scooter so we could go! Is this your 1st Burn? It’s ours. I’ve been wating to go since I was in college in the 90’s.

    So, sounds like you ARE going?

    Big Red & (well, my wife hasn’t come up with a Burner name yet)
    so, Adrian & Brandy.

    • openscarf Says:

      Hi Adrian & Brandy,

      YES I’m going! It all changed in an instant, good lesson to remember, And yes, I am what I feel is obviously a Birgin! I’ve begun chipping away at my list which has me in mood swings all day-as I acquire stuff, think about money, wonder if these particular goggles will be enough, etc. I will say I’m just starting to enjoy it or at least not freaking out over it as much, haha!

      Thank you for reading, I can’t believe it’s just a few weeks away!

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